Annie

My mentor's wife just passed away on Tuesday. Her name was Annie.

When my mentor, Bill, proposed to Annie, he popped the question like this: "Will you spend the next 50 years with me?" To which she answered, "I'll have to ask my mother." When she did say "yes", he whisked her away from her home in Alberta, and she became his faithful companion and helpmate for over fifty years. (When their 50th anniversary rolled around, Bill told Annie that she had fulfilled her duty and could go if she pleased. She told him it would be too much trouble and she would rather stay.)

Bill bought Annie flowers every month on their anniversary date. He also let her "retire" from cooking and took her out to eat every night for the last 15 years of their marriage. He hung a sign on the front wall of the house facing the street that read "Annie's Place" for all to see. They had been married for over 50 years, and he was still dating her.

And now, my dear friend Bill is alone. I heard from a friend that he hasn't been up to phone conversations, just cards and letters. I also heard that he's been lost without her. Of course he's lost. She was part of his life compass...and what do you do when North stops showing up? Where do you go? How do you orient yourself every day?

My heart grieves Annie's departure. I'm glad she's flown to Jesus, to whom she spoke every day. But I'm so sad for those that she left behind. That's always the case, isn't it? We're not really mourning those who pass into glory. We're mourning for the ones that they leave behind. We feel the emptiness with the ones who are left here. We cringe at the silence in their empty homes. We wish we could fill that void so there won't be so much emptiness, so much space. But we can't. So we cry with them and wish for healing.

We can't rush the healing. We can't fill the void. We just have to wait for God to do His thing.

Bill, we're here with you.

-D

A Beautiful Calling: Here am I.

Isaiah 58:6-12

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of The Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and The Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: Here am I.
If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings."


Oh my goodness. How beautiful is this passage?! I love what God says in this. I stumbled across it the other day as a friend of mine posted something on Facebook in Isaiah 59, but I always like to see the context of things so I went back and read chapter 58 as well. This particular part of the chapter really stood out to me. God calls us to big things - loosening the chains of injustice, freeing the oppressed, making burdens lighter, sharing food and clothing, and giving shelter to those in need. He calls us to such magnificent acts of love and selflessness so he can make us "Repairers" and "Restorers". We have the chance to bring light to those in darkness because we carry the Light and Life of Christ within us. We are repaired and restored because He repaired and restored us! We are capable of bringing healing because He first healed us. Isaiah references the demolition of Israel - an actual, historical demolition of the city. Death was present; oppression reigned. It's a picture of the human soul. We can be re-built and raised up in Christ. To me, nothing is more beautiful than being brought out of death and into new life.

I've been sitting with this for a few days, and the longer I meditate on it, the more it sinks into my brain and heart, and truthfully, the more excited I become by what God has done and what He's calling us to do for others. We are hope-bringers and repairers of brokenness and restorers of life! What a joy that should be! And yet, most days, a good majority of us find ourselves in a desolate and lonely trek of the journey of life. This passage is a good reminder that we've already been freed from the most cumbersome of yokes and burdens. Our life has been restored. It was never promised that this life would be easy, but we have been restored. We are no longer dead in our transgressions but alive in Christ! What beautiful promises God gives us and what a beautiful calling.

Side note: I find it interesting that God says the same thing that Isaiah said in Isaiah 6: "Here am I." In Isaiah 6, God is asking who will go on His behalf as a messenger to His people and Isaiah answers, "Here I am. Send me." Here in this chapter, God answers when we cry for help with a "Here am I." Both declarative and compassionate.

Friends

I've been thinking a lot about friendships recently, and lo and behold, the sermon on Sunday was all about friendship. (Side note: I love how God works. Leading my heart with His Spirit and leading the congregation through His Word - it's amazing.) I've made some poor friend choices in the past. Not horrible. No drug users (that I knew of) or smokers or intense drinkers or anything crazy. I've just found that over the years, the people I'm drawn to aren't really friends but popular girls that I want to prove myself to. It's like I wanted them to like me so badly that I would set myself aside just to please them. And then I would find myself empty handed when I really needed a real friend.

A friend/coworker of mine and I were talking and she said that she really wanted to be friends with another coworker. She started listing reasons why she wanted to be friends, and it got me thinking...I don't think I've ever been able to articulate why I've wanted to be friends with somebody before.

The sermon on Sunday talked about characteristics of good and wise friends, which got me thinking even more about the friends that I currently have and the kind of friend that I want to be to others. Some key people in my life came to mind:

My friend Cynthe is a wise, Jesus-loving woman who is really good at consistantly seeking out different perspectives from others. She is brave and truthful and compassionate. I truly respect her as a fellow Jesus follower and mom and wife.

My friend Steph is incredibly compassionate and kind, always looking out for the best interest of others, even if it means putting herself last. She is cheerful, helpful, and a talented artist. Her sense of humor is great, and she never takes herself too seriously. I love that. And I love that she loves Jesus with her whole self.

My friend Carolyn is intelligent, quiet, and wise. Her compassion for others is evident in her day job as a teacher as well as her service to the ministries at her church. She follows Jesus with a diligent obedience that is admirable and humbling. She is truthful and trustworthy.

My friend Lydia is a newer friend. She has a contagious joy that seems to just radiate from her skin. She loves Jesus so much and loves to help others find Him too. She's organized and methodical and I really admire how she strives to continue growing in her faith on a daily basis.

My friend Rachel is spunky and easy going. She's my scientist friend who is both smart and kind. She loves Jesus and demonstrates that compassionate love by hosting every type of event under the sun. She is resilient and is living proof that God rescues those who seek Him. I respect how patient she is with obstacles and balancing life and family.

This isn't a very long list, and I'm sure I've left off people that I admire and respect. But to be honest, when it comes to good friends, I don't really have a lot. (Three of the five listed don't even live anywhere close to me, not that distance should be an issue. It would just be nice to be able to call somebody and go somewhere to meet her when I need a moment with a friend.) The women listed are friends who love Jesus. I have friends who I admire and respect and who don't know Jesus, but I listed the ones who do know and love Him because they share the same heart and direction in life.

Some underlying traits that I see with these amazing women is that they are all compassionate truth-tellers who long to be an authentic representation of Jesus on this earth. I respect that. The honesty and the compassion. And I really want to be a person who can offer that to somebody else as a friend. I haven't done the best job of being a friend to others, but I hope to do better.

We're Gonna Be Fine

The beginning of a new school year is always filled with equal parts excitement and anxiety. The excitement comes from anticipating something great; the anxiety comes from fearing something horrible. The truth is, we just don't know what's around the corner. We hope for something great despite our certain mistakes along the way.

I've always calmed my anxiety over the new school year by remembering that my choral program isn't actually mine. It's God's. I am merely working as a steward of His work. It has always been comforting to know that whatever mistakes I make will not really affect what God has in store for the program and all the kids in it in the long run, as long as I continue to submit myself to His will. It only just recently occurred to me that God also takes very good care of His stewards...

The week before school starts is the time when teachers return to their classrooms to prepare them for the new school year. (Let's not even start with the fact that teachers get paid ONE floating work day of eight hours when, in reality, they spend the entire week at work trying to get everything done before the kids walk through the door! I digress.) So I was in my classroom today, filing some old papers in file folders, when I ran out of new file folders and had to recycle my used ones. I pulled out the old ones and realized that I was using the old folders from my first year of teaching and repurposing them for my 7th year. I've come a long way.

My first year of teaching elementary music, like anybody's first year, was hell in a box. I had great plans to save every student and help them fall in love with music. I was going to touch the future and inspire every single student that walked into my room. Little did I know that the entire 6th grade class that year had been the catalyst for 2 teachers retiring and 2 teachers quitting the profession. There was no way to mix up the two 6th grade classes where the trouble-makers would be split up because they were all that way. Every teacher just wanted to get them out of there. Funny, those kids are entering their freshmen year of college now...

My first year of teaching was frustrating and chaotic. I had no idea how to deal with so many crazy and hormonal students. I had no idea that dragging a bass xylophone to four schools every week in the rain during the winter was a terrible idea. I had no idea that the classroom teachers could take advantage of me, asking me to teach both kindergarten classes at once with no other adult in the room. Fifty kindergarten students. And me. I just didn't know.

Looking back, I feel wiser now. I feel a little more jaded too. My ideals of saving every single student who walked through the door just seems silly and unrealistic now. As much as I hope this would happen, it never does. But I'm still here because I still hope that I can inspire at least one. And it's not really about the music, to be honest. It's more about helping the students realize that they can make a difference and change the world for the better. Music is just the vehicle. It's teaching kids how to work together with people that share more differences than similarities. It's helping kids be soft in the heart and smart in the head. It's showing kids that working hard has more than monetary benefits. It's opening their eyes to God's creation and handing them the freedom to marvel and wonder and dance in it.

There was a song playing in the background as I was repurposing those folders today. It went like this:
On the edge of a moment
In a land that we love
In a time that our best has to be good enough
Like all those before us we start out alone
We race from our school yards into the unknown...
With hearts in our hands like loaded guns,
We're taking our chance, we're the lucky ones
This moment is yours, this moment is mine
And we're gonna be fine.

With the approach of the new school year, I've decided to once again, submit this program, this classroom, and my teaching to God's will. He hands me the freedom to marvel and wonder and dance in it.

We're gonna be fine.
-D

Strangers in a Foreign Land

It has come to my attention that Life is hard. Too many obstacles, too many emotions, too many people on the road, too many messages being thrown at me, too much crying. Life is just hard. Period.

I started wondering why we expect life to be easy. If life is always and has always been this difficult, why would we expect something easy? The only thing I can rationalize is that we have the desire for an easier life planted in our hearts and souls. We crave and long for something easier - the feeling you get when you chat with an old friend. It's familiar; it's safe; it's home. But most of the time, the life that we experience is like trying to respond to an emergency where your only source of information is coming from a mute stranger. There's a lot of charades and guessing involved.

But Jesus talked about this very thing: how eternity is embedded in our very souls, in the core of our being, and how we would never feel familiar or safe here because here isn't our home. We are strangers in a foreign land where things are backward and upside-down. Of course there are too many obstacles here, and of course we feel too many emotions. We were meant for something different than this life; we were made for Life. Eternal Life. The too many emotions that we feel, for the most part, is really compassion. I mean, once we get over the overwhelmed part, we start to respond to the hurt, the tears, and the pain. We start to help others heal, or we start to help ourselves heal. We feel compassion, and it compels us to be better people and do better things in this life. And I think that is when we really begin to experience the other side of Life, the eternal side. The Life we were made for.

This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world;
Why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let all earth be glad!

-D

How do you know?

This summer has been a journey in learning how to parent and learning how to be a better person in light of parenting. Actually, if I'm being honest, every day is an adventure in learning how to parent. But I'm realizing that, after the umpteenth time I've said no to a certain action that my toddler carries out (like throwing his cup of water on the floor - every. single. day.), I begin to doubt my effectiveness in training up my child in the way he should go. (Proverbs)

A very wise, experienced teacher once posed the question, "When you feel like nothing is getting through to your students or that you're not making an impact on their lives, ask yourselves this: How do you know you're not?"

As parents, no matter how mundane the task at hand, we will always make some sort of impact on our children through the way we live. This is both comforting and horrifying at the same time, mostly because I can be a good mom until about 4:00pm. Then I'm just so-so. But a friend of mine reminded me that "Satisfactory" is still passing. And then he went on to say all of the horrible things that I am NOT doing to my child. This made me feel better.

I am not:
Smoking next to my child. Or smoking at all, in fact.
Giving my child alcohol to quench his thirst.
Putting him in the car without a seatbelt.



I AM:
Feeding him regularly.
Putting him in a carseat.
Changing his diapers.
Brushing his teeth.
Making sure he gets enough rest.
Taking him on outings.
Loving him.

Everything else is pretty much a wash after 4:00 - all of the things that seem important kind of fly out the window. So he doesn't eat organic all the time... So he throws his water cup for the millionth time and I give up a little... So he climbs on everything and nearly gives me a heart attack, AGAIN, and I snap a little... So he spits out all of his veggies even when I try and sneak them into his meal... So things around our house break because he gets worked up and overly excited, which usually means throwing things...

One thing will always stay the same - the last item on my AM list. I love him to pieces and I know that love is transformational. It has to be; it's changed me. Even though it seems like what I'm doing isn't doing much at all, it is. It really is.


How do you know you're not?

Epiphany

It has come to my attention that being the person that I want my child to become is way harder than it sounds.

Working on it.
-D