The beginning of a new school year is always filled with equal parts excitement and anxiety. The excitement comes from anticipating something great; the anxiety comes from fearing something horrible. The truth is, we just don't know what's around the corner. We hope for something great despite our certain mistakes along the way.
I've always calmed my anxiety over the new school year by remembering that my choral program isn't actually mine. It's God's. I am merely working as a steward of His work. It has always been comforting to know that whatever mistakes I make will not really affect what God has in store for the program and all the kids in it in the long run, as long as I continue to submit myself to His will. It only just recently occurred to me that God also takes very good care of His stewards...
The week before school starts is the time when teachers return to their classrooms to prepare them for the new school year. (Let's not even start with the fact that teachers get paid ONE floating work day of eight hours when, in reality, they spend the entire week at work trying to get everything done before the kids walk through the door! I digress.) So I was in my classroom today, filing some old papers in file folders, when I ran out of new file folders and had to recycle my used ones. I pulled out the old ones and realized that I was using the old folders from my first year of teaching and repurposing them for my 7th year. I've come a long way.
My first year of teaching elementary music, like anybody's first year, was hell in a box. I had great plans to save every student and help them fall in love with music. I was going to touch the future and inspire every single student that walked into my room. Little did I know that the entire 6th grade class that year had been the catalyst for 2 teachers retiring and 2 teachers quitting the profession. There was no way to mix up the two 6th grade classes where the trouble-makers would be split up because they were all that way. Every teacher just wanted to get them out of there. Funny, those kids are entering their freshmen year of college now...
My first year of teaching was frustrating and chaotic. I had no idea how to deal with so many crazy and hormonal students. I had no idea that dragging a bass xylophone to four schools every week in the rain during the winter was a terrible idea. I had no idea that the classroom teachers could take advantage of me, asking me to teach both kindergarten classes at once with no other adult in the room. Fifty kindergarten students. And me. I just didn't know.
Looking back, I feel wiser now. I feel a little more jaded too. My ideals of saving every single student who walked through the door just seems silly and unrealistic now. As much as I hope this would happen, it never does. But I'm still here because I still hope that I can inspire at least one. And it's not really about the music, to be honest. It's more about helping the students realize that they can make a difference and change the world for the better. Music is just the vehicle. It's teaching kids how to work together with people that share more differences than similarities. It's helping kids be soft in the heart and smart in the head. It's showing kids that working hard has more than monetary benefits. It's opening their eyes to God's creation and handing them the freedom to marvel and wonder and dance in it.
There was a song playing in the background as I was repurposing those folders today. It went like this:
On the edge of a moment
In a land that we love
In a time that our best has to be good enough
Like all those before us we start out alone
We race from our school yards into the unknown...
With hearts in our hands like loaded guns,
We're taking our chance, we're the lucky ones
This moment is yours, this moment is mine
And we're gonna be fine.
With the approach of the new school year, I've decided to once again, submit this program, this classroom, and my teaching to God's will. He hands me the freedom to marvel and wonder and dance in it.
We're gonna be fine.
-D
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
Strangers in a Foreign Land
It has come to my attention that Life is hard. Too many obstacles, too many emotions, too many people on the road, too many messages being thrown at me, too much crying. Life is just hard. Period.
I started wondering why we expect life to be easy. If life is always and has always been this difficult, why would we expect something easy? The only thing I can rationalize is that we have the desire for an easier life planted in our hearts and souls. We crave and long for something easier - the feeling you get when you chat with an old friend. It's familiar; it's safe; it's home. But most of the time, the life that we experience is like trying to respond to an emergency where your only source of information is coming from a mute stranger. There's a lot of charades and guessing involved.
But Jesus talked about this very thing: how eternity is embedded in our very souls, in the core of our being, and how we would never feel familiar or safe here because here isn't our home. We are strangers in a foreign land where things are backward and upside-down. Of course there are too many obstacles here, and of course we feel too many emotions. We were meant for something different than this life; we were made for Life. Eternal Life. The too many emotions that we feel, for the most part, is really compassion. I mean, once we get over the overwhelmed part, we start to respond to the hurt, the tears, and the pain. We start to help others heal, or we start to help ourselves heal. We feel compassion, and it compels us to be better people and do better things in this life. And I think that is when we really begin to experience the other side of Life, the eternal side. The Life we were made for.
This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world;
Why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let all earth be glad!
-D
I started wondering why we expect life to be easy. If life is always and has always been this difficult, why would we expect something easy? The only thing I can rationalize is that we have the desire for an easier life planted in our hearts and souls. We crave and long for something easier - the feeling you get when you chat with an old friend. It's familiar; it's safe; it's home. But most of the time, the life that we experience is like trying to respond to an emergency where your only source of information is coming from a mute stranger. There's a lot of charades and guessing involved.
But Jesus talked about this very thing: how eternity is embedded in our very souls, in the core of our being, and how we would never feel familiar or safe here because here isn't our home. We are strangers in a foreign land where things are backward and upside-down. Of course there are too many obstacles here, and of course we feel too many emotions. We were meant for something different than this life; we were made for Life. Eternal Life. The too many emotions that we feel, for the most part, is really compassion. I mean, once we get over the overwhelmed part, we start to respond to the hurt, the tears, and the pain. We start to help others heal, or we start to help ourselves heal. We feel compassion, and it compels us to be better people and do better things in this life. And I think that is when we really begin to experience the other side of Life, the eternal side. The Life we were made for.
This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world;
Why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let all earth be glad!
-D
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
How do you know?
This summer has been a journey in learning how to parent and learning how to be a better person in light of parenting. Actually, if I'm being honest, every day is an adventure in learning how to parent. But I'm realizing that, after the umpteenth time I've said no to a certain action that my toddler carries out (like throwing his cup of water on the floor - every. single. day.), I begin to doubt my effectiveness in training up my child in the way he should go. (Proverbs)
A very wise, experienced teacher once posed the question, "When you feel like nothing is getting through to your students or that you're not making an impact on their lives, ask yourselves this: How do you know you're not?"
As parents, no matter how mundane the task at hand, we will always make some sort of impact on our children through the way we live. This is both comforting and horrifying at the same time, mostly because I can be a good mom until about 4:00pm. Then I'm just so-so. But a friend of mine reminded me that "Satisfactory" is still passing. And then he went on to say all of the horrible things that I am NOT doing to my child. This made me feel better.
I am not:
Smoking next to my child. Or smoking at all, in fact.
Giving my child alcohol to quench his thirst.
Putting him in the car without a seatbelt.
I AM:
Feeding him regularly.
Putting him in a carseat.
Changing his diapers.
Brushing his teeth.
Making sure he gets enough rest.
Taking him on outings.
Loving him.
Everything else is pretty much a wash after 4:00 - all of the things that seem important kind of fly out the window. So he doesn't eat organic all the time... So he throws his water cup for the millionth time and I give up a little... So he climbs on everything and nearly gives me a heart attack, AGAIN, and I snap a little... So he spits out all of his veggies even when I try and sneak them into his meal... So things around our house break because he gets worked up and overly excited, which usually means throwing things...
One thing will always stay the same - the last item on my AM list. I love him to pieces and I know that love is transformational. It has to be; it's changed me. Even though it seems like what I'm doing isn't doing much at all, it is. It really is.
How do you know you're not?
A very wise, experienced teacher once posed the question, "When you feel like nothing is getting through to your students or that you're not making an impact on their lives, ask yourselves this: How do you know you're not?"
As parents, no matter how mundane the task at hand, we will always make some sort of impact on our children through the way we live. This is both comforting and horrifying at the same time, mostly because I can be a good mom until about 4:00pm. Then I'm just so-so. But a friend of mine reminded me that "Satisfactory" is still passing. And then he went on to say all of the horrible things that I am NOT doing to my child. This made me feel better.
I am not:
Smoking next to my child. Or smoking at all, in fact.
Giving my child alcohol to quench his thirst.
Putting him in the car without a seatbelt.
I AM:
Feeding him regularly.
Putting him in a carseat.
Changing his diapers.
Brushing his teeth.
Making sure he gets enough rest.
Taking him on outings.
Loving him.
Everything else is pretty much a wash after 4:00 - all of the things that seem important kind of fly out the window. So he doesn't eat organic all the time... So he throws his water cup for the millionth time and I give up a little... So he climbs on everything and nearly gives me a heart attack, AGAIN, and I snap a little... So he spits out all of his veggies even when I try and sneak them into his meal... So things around our house break because he gets worked up and overly excited, which usually means throwing things...
One thing will always stay the same - the last item on my AM list. I love him to pieces and I know that love is transformational. It has to be; it's changed me. Even though it seems like what I'm doing isn't doing much at all, it is. It really is.
How do you know you're not?
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Epiphany
It has come to my attention that being the person that I want my child to become is way harder than it sounds.
Working on it.
-D
Working on it.
-D
Yesterday. The Longest Day Ever.
Every once in a while, you get dealt one of those days that feels more like an assault of challenges from all sides. On days like these, I text or call one of my prayer friends to keep me afloat. Yesterday was one of those days.
Here is what I sent my prayer friends:
Omg. This morning I've killed two spiders (one of which was dangling in front of my face in the shower), sat in freeway traffic while dropping my sister off at work, found a dead animal carcass on the top of my BBQ with a swarm of yellow jackets eating it, and then had my child throw up all over me. It's 10:15am. So far, the morning has held nothing but sheer terror. Prayers appreciated
I text this to three people and then put my sick toddler down for a nap. I took one too. When we woke up, I had two very encouraging text messages waiting for me as well as the kindest offer from the third friend to bring me a drink from Starbucks, which of course I could not refuse. I took Little Monkey to his, ironically, pre-scheduled well baby exam in the afternoon and then had a visit from one of my prayer friends who came bearing a bouquet of sunflowers and the biggest passion fruit iced tea that Starbucks sells!
Trust me when I say that every woman, and every Mama, needs friends like these. Prayer friends. People who hold you afloat when the day looks like it's going to sink your ship.
Kairos. Friends like these are the lifesavers on days that hold "nothing but sheer terror".
With a grateful heart,
-D
Here is what I sent my prayer friends:
Omg. This morning I've killed two spiders (one of which was dangling in front of my face in the shower), sat in freeway traffic while dropping my sister off at work, found a dead animal carcass on the top of my BBQ with a swarm of yellow jackets eating it, and then had my child throw up all over me. It's 10:15am. So far, the morning has held nothing but sheer terror. Prayers appreciated
I text this to three people and then put my sick toddler down for a nap. I took one too. When we woke up, I had two very encouraging text messages waiting for me as well as the kindest offer from the third friend to bring me a drink from Starbucks, which of course I could not refuse. I took Little Monkey to his, ironically, pre-scheduled well baby exam in the afternoon and then had a visit from one of my prayer friends who came bearing a bouquet of sunflowers and the biggest passion fruit iced tea that Starbucks sells!
Trust me when I say that every woman, and every Mama, needs friends like these. Prayer friends. People who hold you afloat when the day looks like it's going to sink your ship.
Kairos. Friends like these are the lifesavers on days that hold "nothing but sheer terror".
With a grateful heart,
-D
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