Saying "No" is hard. ...But worth it.

I've set out on a journey to find Simplicity. Man, is she hard to catch. I've had to start saying "No" to all of these obligations just to catch a glimpse of her. The danger of chasing Simplicity is that when you say "No" to the same people regarding the same things, they stop asking eventually. This hurts a little. Sometimes, it's nice to feel needed. (Hello and goodbye, Pride.) However, tonight, I'm home. It's 8:20pm and I've had a chance to eat dinner with my family, take a walk at dusk, do some creative thinking for work, and blog! What is this madness? It's called Time. I'm finding that Simplicity, in all her glory, comes with Time. Time allows for space to think, feel, and just BE. It allows for stillness and quiet, and it allows the heart to settle into its rightful place - before the throne of God.

As hard as this is, I can confidently say that I feel God's presence a little more. I feel His hand and hear His voice guiding me forward. It's getting easier to ask, "What is mine to do today, Lord?" instead of "How in the world will I get all of this done?" I like it here - in this space, hearing His voice. It's peaceful and calm. I'm not working like a maniac even though the pace of my work is fast. It feels like I should panic, but I won't. Old habits die hard, I guess.

Thank You, God, for all of this and for how You love me and my little family. Thank You for your gifts of Time and Simplicity. Thank You for creating space in my life for bigger things and for pointing me toward my purpose both in my work and in my home. Thank You for being the God of order and peace. Help me to follow You to these green pastures. Keep me from straying and call me back when I succumb to fears of failure and defeat. Help me to walk in the way that You have paved for me through Your Son, Jesus Christ.

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee,
How great Thou art;
How great Thou art!

The Big 3-0

So I turned 30 today. Yeah, weird. I was a little nervous heading into it, like Harry Potter running toward the 9 ¾ train platform for the first time. Today was just another day though of realizing that I don’t control anything. I had to wake up super early in order to get myself ready in addition to my toddler before going to church to conduct the choir, where I had to coordinate my hired babysitter to meet up with us somewhere on campus while warming up the choir, doing a sound check, and watching my little boy out of the corner of my eye. He was great this morning! I’m sure it helped that I had stopped by Starbucks (for my free birthday drink) and got him a cookie to bribe him to sit still “so Mommy can conduct.” Who gives a two-year-old boy a cookie at 7:45 in the morning? This girl. Hey, it was oatmeal…that’s whole grains with a few raisins, right? Totally healthy.

I conducted the choir for church, sent my little one to Sunday school, then had my babysitter take him to the park while I did the music for the second service. Once I met up with them back at my house, I got his lunch ready and started the nap time routine, at which point he let me know that he did not want to sleep in his crib. He wanted to sleep on Mommy instead. So I rocked him for nearly the entirety of his nap time. Why? Because time is short. And because I’m having epiphany after epiphany about the fleeting nature of life stages. As I was rocking my sweaty little sleeper, I realized that one day, he will not want me to hold him any more. One day, he won’t want his Mommy to rock him, and when that day comes, I will wish I had held him more in moments like these.

Here’s the thing: I’m finding that life is a little overwhelming sometimes between the whole mom, wife, working woman, musician, teacher thing. Sometimes, I think I can’t handle it and I begin to doubt that anybody can. But then I hear God whisper, “This is your life that I’ve given you. I will be Enough for you because my Grace is sufficient for all that I’ve called you to do.” Today’s sermon was on prayer and the lifeline to God that it provides. We’re called to be grateful for the things in our life and we’re called to talk to God about the things that we might need help being grateful for. Prayer is an ongoing conversation that we have with God as we experience all of the things that He has called us to do and to be. Today’s sermon was not a coincidence – it was a whisper.

Then I read this: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2014/03/the-secret-to-not-being-overwhelmed.html

It’s a beautiful article that I can hear my own voice and thoughts in. It’s about not being overwhelmed and instead, committing the things that go undone to God. It’s about talking to God in order to know what is ours to do for the day. It’s about having a deeper connection with God and letting that conversation with Him drive us to action in a peaceful way rather than a frantic way. Another whisper.

I’ve realized that today was just a sign of things to come. God wants me to talk to Him more, maybe do less, but He wants me to BE more. To sit and be still, knowing that I don’t control anything and being grateful that He does.

While I still feel like I may need to get my life a little more together (maybe have a neater home, a better wardrobe, furniture that isn’t from Target or Ikea – not that there’s anything wrong with that at all), I think I’m ready to embrace it all now. I’m not sure my life, at this point, is going to change a whole lot. I’m just going to keep trying to learn a little more, grow a little wiser, and be grateful for it all. A friend of mine said that turning 30 isn’t really about the number; it’s about how content you are when you get to that number. If you’re grateful and content with your life, the number doesn’t really matter.

So, much like Harry Potter, I’m growing more and more eager to find out what’s on the other side of the platform wall, even if it means running full speed into it to find out. I know this: I’m grateful, content, and I have an intense desire to know God more and more as I carry out the things that He’s called me to do with my life.


On a side note, here are some things that I’d like to do in my 30’s.
• Read more
• Have regular exercise times
• Have regular God and me dates
• Have regular husband and me dates
• Buy a house (It’s a bit of a daunting and large task, but it is what it is!)
• Place at Golden State…more than once and higher than 5th place
• Take a hot air balloon ride
• Find a hobby…one that I’m good at
• Eat healthier
• Take vitamins (And now I’m sounding really old…because old people take vitamins. Old people and children.)
• Teach my kid good habits – which should really go without saying, but I have everybody else up here and I would feel like a horrible mom if I didn’t put at least one thing up about my little boy. #forshame

Simplify: Part 2

Step Three: Making Time for God

I’ve decided to start changing my own sleep schedule to carve out some time with God, some undistracted, peaceful, silent, much-needed time with God. This means that I am consciously moving my bedtime 10 minutes earlier and waking up 10 minutes earlier. This is more difficult than you would think, especially with a toddler’s unpredictable waking time. This past week, I’ve had about three really good opportunities to connect with God in the morning before I start my day. It’s tricky timing. Sometimes my little guy wakes up extra early (6am), and sometimes he “sleeps in” until about 7. So making a set meeting time for God doesn’t go according to the clock, necessarily…unless I wake up at 5:30am, which is just not going to happen. (More power to you, friends who actually do this!) I’ve started risking it with a 6:20 wake up for myself. Practically speaking, if I really want to make this work for myself, I need to BE in bed by 10pm. Do you know how hard that is when your husband is a night-owl? Catching up on our day together might need to happen earlier. This might be one of those whole-family adjustments.

The bigger question is: Do I notice a difference in my day when I begin with communing with God? Absolutely. The days that I don’t get this morning meeting time with God, things seem hectic and I often feel like the day is going by too fast, working in a frazzled state. When I meet with God first thing in the morning, it helps to set the tempo for the day. It helps me see and prioritize with Kingdom eyes so that the things that truly matter stand out a little more and the things that don’t matter much tend to fade away. Does this cultivate the themes of Advent: Love, Joy, Peace, Hope? You bet. Seeing the day through Kingdom eyes does that.

I’m really excited to continue doing this Simplifying thing. I hope I can…waking up earlier IS HARD! When I’m in my nice cozy bed all snuggled up and warm, it’s so tempting to just hit the snooze button and fall back to sleep for a few more minutes. This is going to take some serious discipline if I’m going to stick with it.

Simplify

Our family’s theme for 2014 is Simplify.

A Rude Awakening
We’ve realized that our lives have grown too busy. Husband and I used to be able to keep up, being free-lance musicians in addition to our day jobs as technical manager and music teacher. Our pre-child lives moved too fast as it was, and when we added our son to the mix, things got a little crazy. We started to resent the things that we once enjoyed in addition to resenting one another. We became like ships passing in the night, and the only time we were home was to be on toddler duty. It’s been rare that we are all home together for more than an hour.
We also found that this past Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas at all. Amidst the various concerts and performances, outside gigs and contracted tech requests, we didn’t have time to enjoy the season by being together. We missed the themes of advent – Peace, Hope, Joy, and Love. In a season that’s about giving, we gave all our time and energy away to outside events and engagements that we didn’t have anything to give to each other. Everything was backwards. We neglected to receive God’s gifts of time with each other and those closest to us.
Needless to say, simplifying our lives is a way of slowing down, enjoying the moments that pass far too quickly anyway without adding the chaos that we’ve been living with this past year. Yes, we’ll have to say “No” to things – (shocking for us!) even things that would contribute financially. But my guess is that we’ll find the intrinsic values and gains will be more than worthwhile.

Smelling the Roses
Since we missed the themes of Advent during the Christmas season this past year, we’ve decided to live the themes of Advent with every decision we will make for this year. Husband and I (mostly I – Husband usually goes along with my resolutions and plans and is often the one who holds me to these things when I’ve either forgotten or grown tired of them) have decided that before we commit to an outside event or job, we need to ask ourselves, “Will agreeing to this cultivate Peace, Hope, Joy, and Love?” If so, then we’ll commit. If not, then we’ll pass. The truth is, our time is precious and time with our little one won’t last forever. Time with our little family won’t last forever. There will always be another job or event or something that will demand our time. We need to learn that our time with one another is something that cannot be bought. I know it’s easier said than done. But we’re working hard to prioritize what really matters. As one church friend said, “Your yes means nothing until you say no.” We’re stopping to smell the roses this year and we’re learning the importance of slowing down to do so.

Step one: Purge our home
We decided to start in our home first. Since the home is our family’s center, we figured we should start there. Husband and I have been hauling around a ton of stuff since we’ve been married. Now that Little Dude has come along, we really can’t afford to keep all of that stuff in our two-bedroom townhome. I love our townhouse; it’s perfect for the size of our family right now. The problem was all of the stuff IN the place that was shrinking the feel of the home. Solution: Get rid of all the excess. Simplify. We started with the “Harry Potter” closet under our stairs and worked our way through the kitchen, garage, and then into Little Dude’s room. We haven’t started in our room yet, which, oddly, is now the most cluttered and least relaxing room in the house! But it’s a start. We asked ourselves if we really needed it and why. If we hadn’t used it in the past year or more, then we probably weren’t going to need it at all. Of course, there were some things that we couldn’t bear to part with, but the biggest thing is that we’ve started. We donated everything we didn’t regularly use to Goodwill with the hope that others would be blessed by those things just as we were for a time. And we trashed the things that were broken, which we intended to fix but never did. They all had that old, used dilapidated look to them anyway.

Step two: Create New Space
After getting rid of a bunch of stuff, we’ve moved on to repurposing our rooms to make them more functional and practical for our family. Our “Harry Potter” closet has now become Little Dude’s “Playroom”…ok, it’s not really a room, but to a two-year-old, it’s a wonderland. His toys fit perfectly in there and he can bring them out whenever he pleases! (Yes, we keep the door open. No, we don’t keep him in there. Yes, I’d like to think we’re good parents. Please don’t call Child Protective Services on us.)
We’ve also found that we have a little more space to create a work area for me. I’ve been “homeless” when it comes to workspace. Initially, I assumed that I would share Husband’s desk. As it turns out, while Husband is great at sharing just about everything else under the sun, his desk is not included in that category. Being homeless for a workspace meant that every space became something of a workspace – the family mail center, the kitchen counter, the dining table, my dresser, the floor.
While creating new space within our home is a great thing, creating space within our family’s schedule is even more important. Husband and I do Family Calendar at the beginning of every month then we review the upcoming week’s activities every weekend. We plan on being more intentional about carving out unplugged time to play board games together once a week. I’ll let you know how we do! ☺

Baby Steps
As we discover more, I’ll write more. For now, we’re going to take it a day at a time. Together. Making time and space for one another to smell the roses, to hear the gentle Whisper of God’s voice every day with everything that we do. By making space and time for God to move and speak to us this year, I truly believe that we’re going to teach our child how to listen and make space for God and how to prioritize His Kingdom things over our busy schedules and earthly comforts. Hopefully, we’ll make it a habit for our family and he will make it a habit for himself later on.

More later!
-D

Annie

My mentor's wife just passed away on Tuesday. Her name was Annie.

When my mentor, Bill, proposed to Annie, he popped the question like this: "Will you spend the next 50 years with me?" To which she answered, "I'll have to ask my mother." When she did say "yes", he whisked her away from her home in Alberta, and she became his faithful companion and helpmate for over fifty years. (When their 50th anniversary rolled around, Bill told Annie that she had fulfilled her duty and could go if she pleased. She told him it would be too much trouble and she would rather stay.)

Bill bought Annie flowers every month on their anniversary date. He also let her "retire" from cooking and took her out to eat every night for the last 15 years of their marriage. He hung a sign on the front wall of the house facing the street that read "Annie's Place" for all to see. They had been married for over 50 years, and he was still dating her.

And now, my dear friend Bill is alone. I heard from a friend that he hasn't been up to phone conversations, just cards and letters. I also heard that he's been lost without her. Of course he's lost. She was part of his life compass...and what do you do when North stops showing up? Where do you go? How do you orient yourself every day?

My heart grieves Annie's departure. I'm glad she's flown to Jesus, to whom she spoke every day. But I'm so sad for those that she left behind. That's always the case, isn't it? We're not really mourning those who pass into glory. We're mourning for the ones that they leave behind. We feel the emptiness with the ones who are left here. We cringe at the silence in their empty homes. We wish we could fill that void so there won't be so much emptiness, so much space. But we can't. So we cry with them and wish for healing.

We can't rush the healing. We can't fill the void. We just have to wait for God to do His thing.

Bill, we're here with you.

-D

A Beautiful Calling: Here am I.

Isaiah 58:6-12

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of The Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and The Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: Here am I.
If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings."


Oh my goodness. How beautiful is this passage?! I love what God says in this. I stumbled across it the other day as a friend of mine posted something on Facebook in Isaiah 59, but I always like to see the context of things so I went back and read chapter 58 as well. This particular part of the chapter really stood out to me. God calls us to big things - loosening the chains of injustice, freeing the oppressed, making burdens lighter, sharing food and clothing, and giving shelter to those in need. He calls us to such magnificent acts of love and selflessness so he can make us "Repairers" and "Restorers". We have the chance to bring light to those in darkness because we carry the Light and Life of Christ within us. We are repaired and restored because He repaired and restored us! We are capable of bringing healing because He first healed us. Isaiah references the demolition of Israel - an actual, historical demolition of the city. Death was present; oppression reigned. It's a picture of the human soul. We can be re-built and raised up in Christ. To me, nothing is more beautiful than being brought out of death and into new life.

I've been sitting with this for a few days, and the longer I meditate on it, the more it sinks into my brain and heart, and truthfully, the more excited I become by what God has done and what He's calling us to do for others. We are hope-bringers and repairers of brokenness and restorers of life! What a joy that should be! And yet, most days, a good majority of us find ourselves in a desolate and lonely trek of the journey of life. This passage is a good reminder that we've already been freed from the most cumbersome of yokes and burdens. Our life has been restored. It was never promised that this life would be easy, but we have been restored. We are no longer dead in our transgressions but alive in Christ! What beautiful promises God gives us and what a beautiful calling.

Side note: I find it interesting that God says the same thing that Isaiah said in Isaiah 6: "Here am I." In Isaiah 6, God is asking who will go on His behalf as a messenger to His people and Isaiah answers, "Here I am. Send me." Here in this chapter, God answers when we cry for help with a "Here am I." Both declarative and compassionate.

Friends

I've been thinking a lot about friendships recently, and lo and behold, the sermon on Sunday was all about friendship. (Side note: I love how God works. Leading my heart with His Spirit and leading the congregation through His Word - it's amazing.) I've made some poor friend choices in the past. Not horrible. No drug users (that I knew of) or smokers or intense drinkers or anything crazy. I've just found that over the years, the people I'm drawn to aren't really friends but popular girls that I want to prove myself to. It's like I wanted them to like me so badly that I would set myself aside just to please them. And then I would find myself empty handed when I really needed a real friend.

A friend/coworker of mine and I were talking and she said that she really wanted to be friends with another coworker. She started listing reasons why she wanted to be friends, and it got me thinking...I don't think I've ever been able to articulate why I've wanted to be friends with somebody before.

The sermon on Sunday talked about characteristics of good and wise friends, which got me thinking even more about the friends that I currently have and the kind of friend that I want to be to others. Some key people in my life came to mind:

My friend Cynthe is a wise, Jesus-loving woman who is really good at consistantly seeking out different perspectives from others. She is brave and truthful and compassionate. I truly respect her as a fellow Jesus follower and mom and wife.

My friend Steph is incredibly compassionate and kind, always looking out for the best interest of others, even if it means putting herself last. She is cheerful, helpful, and a talented artist. Her sense of humor is great, and she never takes herself too seriously. I love that. And I love that she loves Jesus with her whole self.

My friend Carolyn is intelligent, quiet, and wise. Her compassion for others is evident in her day job as a teacher as well as her service to the ministries at her church. She follows Jesus with a diligent obedience that is admirable and humbling. She is truthful and trustworthy.

My friend Lydia is a newer friend. She has a contagious joy that seems to just radiate from her skin. She loves Jesus so much and loves to help others find Him too. She's organized and methodical and I really admire how she strives to continue growing in her faith on a daily basis.

My friend Rachel is spunky and easy going. She's my scientist friend who is both smart and kind. She loves Jesus and demonstrates that compassionate love by hosting every type of event under the sun. She is resilient and is living proof that God rescues those who seek Him. I respect how patient she is with obstacles and balancing life and family.

This isn't a very long list, and I'm sure I've left off people that I admire and respect. But to be honest, when it comes to good friends, I don't really have a lot. (Three of the five listed don't even live anywhere close to me, not that distance should be an issue. It would just be nice to be able to call somebody and go somewhere to meet her when I need a moment with a friend.) The women listed are friends who love Jesus. I have friends who I admire and respect and who don't know Jesus, but I listed the ones who do know and love Him because they share the same heart and direction in life.

Some underlying traits that I see with these amazing women is that they are all compassionate truth-tellers who long to be an authentic representation of Jesus on this earth. I respect that. The honesty and the compassion. And I really want to be a person who can offer that to somebody else as a friend. I haven't done the best job of being a friend to others, but I hope to do better.